They are afraid. I cannot blame them, for I feel the same fear they do. The difference is I dare to ask the questions that they refuse to ponder.
Is our life real?
Is death merely a transition from one dream to another?
Is the world we believe to be real simply a dream, while the dream is the real reality behind the mask ?
I ask the questions because I can feel the thin veil that separates my dreams from my waking moments stretching thin. I catch myself remembering something or someone ever so fondly to only be startled to realization that the memory was not real. It was but a dream, a fragment remembered from another lifetime in another world. I can not separate this fact from my mind, it feels and instinctively reacts to these fragmented memories not as fantasy but as reality. I use to try to shrink away from such thoughts, banishing them from my mind so that others would not think I was crazy.
I found to my great horror, that I longed for sleep. I longed not for the waking world but instead the world of dreams. I felt, or better yet, I knew that beyond that veil was a world of wonder and adventure. I needed only learn how to rip through the veil or tear it down entirely. Though as I age and grow older I now believe it may be simply a matter of slipping behind it. The dead have found this to be true, their crossing over being complete as they leave this world. The roles of the waking and sleeping worlds are reversed.
I struggled to find peace, it seemed as if my memories and mistakes forever hounded me. I found nothing but torment in the waking world. The dream world seemed to give me solace for a time. Then as the veil stretched ever so thin I found torment in the world of dreams once again. I found the two worlds slowly merging as one. My waking hours haunted by the torments of my sleeping hours. I sought to find meaning to this experience. I sought it in any and every way possible I was a man possessed , a man feverishly looking for the answer that would ease his tormented mind.
I heard, or maybe a I read it somewhere, that we need to look inside ourselves, “unlock” the kingdom within. It sounded all new age like to me, but then I was honest enough to know that’s how I had been raised and taught. I grew up being taught “traditional” Christian values and doctrines. I was taught and raised to view religion and the religious in one way and one way only. If I was taught anything it was that God was external and that we must struggle and scurry around to gain his favor. That he would never reveal or talk to one as “unworthy” as me, unless of course if I was chosen or called to the ministry. To be a pastor was the ideal achievement of anyone that grew up in the church environment I did. If you did not become a pastor, youth pastor, or pastors wife you where less in some way. A black sheep, or even worse a lost soul, one unworthy of God’s loving grace.
I digress, none of that means anything, merely a distracted mind fumbling through the two worlds. I call them the two worlds for they are as such to me now.
( To be Continued…)
draumr meaning dream and verg meaning journey