“Broken hearts and broken souls, lost in pain and drowning in sorrow. He hears your cry’s and feels your pain. His arms reach out to you, yet your head is downcast and your gaze is looking backwards. Leave the pain and look forward. See the very arms that are reaching out to you are his. You ask God why as the tears stream down your cheeks. Your tear-stained mind is clouded and you fail to see the answers already before you.”
I heard these words echoing in my mind as I slowly opened my eyes. I was still on the ledge overlooking the dark and desolate wasteland that I had finally come to realize was my own home. I looked and saw the wasted and gaunt version of myself staring back at me with hatred. His arms wrapped about himself trembling as if he was barely able to contain his fear and anger.
“You’re a fool…look around you nothing has changed and nothing will” The words hissed in my ears as I looked at the wretched and distorted version of myself.
“You can talk?” It sounded foolish, the moment I spoke the words.
“Of course I can you fool.. I’m you. Why do you think we are here? This is the world we created and it will stay this way. You don’t deserve to see this rebuilt and restored. You never did and you never will. I know it and you know it. Deep inside you can feel it. You are not worth it, no one can ever find anything of worth in you and they never will.” He looked at me and simply gazed at me as if willing me into acceptance of his words.
“You lie” My voice was weak and the words seemed hollow at best. I knew he was lying but inside I felt the pain as much as I ever did. I couldn’t see any reason why my world should be restored and rebuilt. If I couldn’t see it, why would anyone else. I felt a deep sense of panic and lose seep inside me at that moment.
“Why would I lie to myself. Think hard and remember. We had our chance. Hell we had several chances and now they are taken from us for good.” The words cut deep reawakening a long felt sense of worthlessness. I started to remember my past and all the things I had said or done and I soon realized that it wasnt a lie.
I heard a crow cawing in the distance and I turned to find where the Lord had gone to. He was still standing there next to me. He was silent as if waiting for me. I lowered my head and let my hands cover over my face for a minute as I tried to clear my mind. I was hurting and I knew I was confused. To many voices to many thoughts and feelings all assaulting my mind at once.
“The broken places” The Lord’s words whispered into my mind. I didn’t understand and I looked up from my self-imposed prison.
“I don’t understand. Everything you have shown me and told me seems to slip from my fingers… I still feel just as lost and broken as before” I was frustrated and I regretted the angry tone that I knew the Lord could hear in my answer.
“Forgive me father…. I don’t know how to break free.” I simply let go and resigned myself to the feelings and pain that ravaged through my heart and mind.
His hand reached out and rested on my shoulder. I looked up and saw the look in his eyes. I couldn’t understand how he could continue to reach out to me without any frustration or anger. I kept expecting him to tell me it was too late or that I was a failure.
“You live in the broken places still. Those places in your soul that are wounded and bleeding. The words I have told you and the things I have shown you are all true all promises for you. Trust in me and move forward. Leave the broken places behind. Forget them don’t hold on to them anymore. The heavy shadow you feel that hangs over you is the memory of those broken places. Leave them behind, the past is gone there is no reason to revisit it or anticipate its return.”
He was kind and patient with me, I could hear the pain in his voice. He wanted to heal me and help me but he knew I had to believe in what he was saying.